Nerves

Yesterday morning, on a whim, I began looking for longer distance races to run. Nothing crazy, just 10k or higher but maybe not quite a half-marathon. Lo and behold, I found a lovely local 10 mile race at the end of August. Perfect!

Then the Running Nerves began to set in.

Well, I have to run during the summer… am I even capable of running in heat and humidity anymore?

I haven’t trained for a long distance race since 2019, and I only had one kid then and was 10lbs lighter. Is this such a good idea?

Am I too old?

What if training is miserable and I have to back out?

Worse, what if training is miserable and I don’t do it but still decide to run the race and injure myself?

Am I just being a baby?

Are my days of running behind me?

I say these things just about every time I start training for something that challenges me. Well, maybe not the age stuff, that’s new. But the rest of it? Yep, I always feel too fat. I always feel too slow. I always feel incapable.

I am currently reading a book for continuing education credits that is geared toward women over age 35. They specifically addressed the voice inside your head that says, “YOU CAN’T. YOU WILL FAIL.” My guess is that this is typical thinking for everyone: not just my insecure ass, but everyone. That also makes me think I’m on the right track with this training.

You know what? I haven’t missed a race yet. I have no real goal except to finish this one. I will do my usual run-walk method, follow a half-marathon training plan, and do my best to enjoy myself. I don’t think I can hope for much more than 13-minute miles, but so what? I have to face facts: I don’t run consistently, I am older and much heavier than I used to be, and running feels a lot harder than it did before.

And if I let all that shit stop me, these nerves and that terrible voice in my head will never stop.

I sit here with pain in my big toe (as always, on my left foot, which is the one that gives me all the trouble) that flared up overnight. Here go my nerves, chastising me for sitting and resting. It is so hard to rest when you have a challenging goal in mind. It is hard to listen to the reasonable advice of professionals, and so tempting to push through the pain. Sometimes you have to tell yourself to knock it off and relax. Sometimes you have to face the fact that you’re long removed from your 20s and are no longer invincible, and it’s alright because movement – no matter how slow – is part of your life. Not complementary to it, but part of it. Non-negotiable. And that means you need to rest when something hurts.

Anyway, that was a tangent, but I think the two are related. Well, wish me luck on this next endeavor. As I told my husband yesterday, “There go all my Sundays for the summer!” My life will once again revolve around a training calendar for the season.