The Eleventh Week

Motivation regained!

I know weight is dumb. I tell people that for a living. However, it still messes with your head in both good ways and bad. After several disappointing weeks, I went hardcore for just a few days and finally got my weight down into the 130’s – a number I probably haven’t seen for almost a year. Even if it was a short-lived victory, it was just what I needed to see to know that not only is it possible, but it will happen again.

I’ve been training for my half-marathon and having several intestinal cramping after my long runs, making me miserable for most of my precious Saturday. I think the answer lies in electrolytes and proper hydration during the runs – two things I’ve been skipping entirely. I have to remind myself that I’m back in the serious running camp now, and have to fuel as such.

Oh yeah, and the weight loss challenge I was part of at work is over, and according to the InBody Scanner, my muscle mass went up slightly and my body fat went down. I also lost 1/2″ off my waist and 1″ off my abdomen measurements. Not too shabby for not having gone at it as hard as I should have these last six weeks!

Advertisements

Sturdy

Some people are not meant to be skinny.

First off, let’s not confuse skinny with thin. When I talk about skinny, I mean upper ribs protruding, spine sticking out, hip bones very obvious – almost bovine. Thin is just that: thin.

I’ve been freaking out and obsessing about my body lately (again… for the 7,000th time in my life), and decided to further torture myself by looking at a photo from when I was 19.

Last Day 00000

Ignore my face – this was taken with old-timey film back before digital cameras were everywhere, and certainly before they were on phones!

My first thoughts? Sure, I was thin, but not skinny. And do you know what it took for me to be just this thin? Constant starvation. Constant working out. No more than 400 calories per day. If I went over 400, I would vomit and take laxatives until I felt better – and by feel better, I mean cramp up and feel my insides burning, emptying what looked like coffee grounds into the toilet. Hour-long workouts most days. One time, I literally fell in the middle of Huntington Ave. on my way back from the gym. The world just started swimming away, and then I was lying in the middle of the road. Journal pages filled with calorie counts, food logs, the only math I’ve ever enjoyed doing.

All that work, and this is how small I got; not very small at all.

At my lowest weight, I was still 111. That’s it. All that work, and I could only get down to 111. It was a constant slap in the face.

Some of us are just not meant to be skinny. Some of us will never have our spine stick out, or our ribs, or our hip bones. Some of us are just… sturdy. I would have made a great medieval peasant woman.

The Tenth Week

Is this the end?

I’m having a hard time staying motivated. It’s really hard to keep going when you don’t see progress. When your goal is weight loss, it’s difficult to do all the right things and fail to see changes week after week. For God’s sake, I’ve been at this since January and have only lost three pounds! I’m feeling discouraged and am suffering from obsessive, harmful body image issues these last few days. Every skinny woman is seen as a personal affront.

I reached out to a friend for support and was scolded, which didn’t help either. I know she meant well, but she didn’t sugar-coat anything and so on top of feeling fat, now I also feel crazy and stupid and embarrassed.

I guess I’ll keep going. What choice do I have? I’ll continue to choke down my cottage cheese and dry tuna and chicken and hope for the best.

The Ninth Week

I’m kicking off a more serious three-week period right now to get back on track! I’m looking to get back into a certain weight range by the end of it, just in time for my birthday. Back to logging my food, and clearing out the junk again.

I started my half-marathon training plan last week. I even got up early one day before work and ran, which is something I haven’t done since my daughter was born. It felt great to be up early and out the door!

Something is nagging me, though… time. I’ve written many times before about being a slow runner and how it hurts my ego. In perusing last year’s results from the race I want to sign up for, I would most likely be finishing in last place. Not last place for my age group: last place overall. Summer half-marathons are for competitive runners; I want to run it sooner rather than later because the more I push it out, the more I’ll feel like I can skip out on training because I have plenty of time. Also, the course is relatively flat. I guess I have some mental training to do to get my ego in check and decide if I’ll be okay being the last person to finish.

The Eighth Week

I’m taking a week off! I get ever so sick of logging all my food into an app; and though I find it incredibly helpful, I just need a break.

Other than that, I spent the week researching training plans and I think I will run my half-marathon on June 22nd. I only emphasize think because I don’t have skin in the game yet – but that registration might be my birthday gift to myself.

I am a big fan of Jeff Galloway and his run-walk-run method, and so it’s one of his training plans I’m going to follow. I haven’t nailed down the timing yet, but it’s either going to be 60:30 or 90:30. I have to get out there and see how it feels on longer runs. My goal for this half-marathon is twofold: to finish strong and without pain; and to beat the time on my previous half-marathon.

Movie Review: Train to Busan

I admit it: I have what I call a hipster streak. It shows itself in my sneering disdain for most things popular, and in that classic hipster line: “I liked it before it was cool.”

I used to love me a good zombie flick. Then all of a sudden, zombies were mainstream. I blame The Walking Dead, perhaps unfairly. Anyway, they became popular and I was turned off.

Some time last year, I was reading an article on Buzzfeed about new and/or cool horror movies and there I saw it: Train to Busan. I was intrigued, but when I found out it was a zombie movie, I pooh-poohed it and moved on.

Do you know the episode of The Simpsons when Homer goes to clown college, and everywhere he looks, he sees clowns?

Simpsons_06_14_P2_640x360_312575555644

Image from simpsonsworld.com

Side note: this scene ends with the best line, when Homer shouts, “That’s it, I’m going to clown college!” and runs away. Classic.

This is what happened to me with Train to Busan. I just kept seeing it, and wondering about it, and reading things about it. The final straw came just this past weekend, when I actually had a dream about watching it. I took it as a sign that I should just watch the damn movie already.

I had the perfect opportunity during naptime on Saturday, especially because Erik went to the driving range. I found it on Netflix and was whisked away to a zombie hell in South Korea.

Let me make a couple of things clear here:

  1. I don’t usually write movie reviews, so you’re not going to get a synopsis of the plot here, or anything high-brow; and
  2. I’m not going to spoil this one for you because I want everyone to watch it.

That being said, I can honestly say I’ve never cried during a zombie movie. That was brand new for me. Even stone-hearted Erik (who came home halfway through the movie, sat down at his easel, and then kept jerking his head around every five seconds to see what has happening on the screen) said, “That is heart-wrenching.” Yes, I managed to choke out, blinded by tears and red-faced and squeezing my dog.

The other thing I noticed was the character development – again, not something you typically see in this genre. One noted exception, in my opinion, is Night of the Living Dead. And speaking of which! I thought Train to Busan was going to rip of that movie’s cruel ending, but it didn’t. I’m sure it was a very intentional and brilliant choice they made.

I absolutely detest when people tell me I have to watch something, but I’m going to do it to you.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH TRAIN TO BUSAN. It’s on Netflix, so it’s easy! Do yourself a favor and carve out two hours of your life and watch the movie. Watch it even if you don’t like zombie or horror movies. It’s genuinely good and dramatic and pretty novel. Yes, it has subtitles, but that just means you can’t mindlessly scroll your phone while you’re watching it. And trust me, you probably won’t feel the need to count your likes on Instagram while Train to Busan has you riveted.

poster-busan-650x366